of potatoes and bean sprouts. (Fears #4)

War or Peace? (Because love won't know which one it is this time love or war.) War is nasty & ugly. War is hell on earth. Why someone would want to I can't imagine. All I can say is if I were to be drafted I would gladly go to prison than to war. I'm not a fighter. It's what I avoid above all else. In fact it's a crime how much I avoid conflict but I don't care. Because of that I don't think I could call myself a fighter or a lover. because loving involves conflict, pain, an embarrassing exposure. I'm just a weed. Stuck in the ground, I don't go anywhere because I'm good where I am. I don't appear pretty on the outside. I absorb all the good things around me and sit there. I don't even flower. I'm a flowerless weed.


I'm afraid of not being noticed. I'm afraid, above all things that the only beauty exits in my head. I am afraid that my ideas are in my mind and people can never see. I'm never comfortable because the things people think of me aren't what I really love. I fear I am unable to Express, to Connect. Security. Is something I fear I'll never have. I'm afraid of not finding the right friends, which so far I haven't. I am afraid of being alone. (Or do I crave it?). I want Control. I want control of my own life and experiences. I'm afraid I'll die before I get my independence. Idealistically, family and friends would make you feel better but lately I avoid them because a lot of the time they drain from me. I'm afraid of sleeping because I haven't gotten anything done. I'm afraid of dust because one day I will become dust (fear of becoming dust right now). I'm afraid of time passing because its moving even when I'm not.(when i'd like to think i've stepped out of time it keeps going). I'm afraid of large spiders.
And I'm afraid I'll become a potato because there are so many holes I can fall through in the net of my potential.
a potato is weird and lumpy. A potato isn't interesting. a potato falls in to the nasty dirt. There are so many things I can do, opportunities made of strings but there are so many more reasons I can not hold on to them and slip through the gaps.

What if I'm never a bean sprout?

I'm afraid of everything driving by. (afraid of not being noticed) Overlooked because I'm a strange potato or an ugly weed.

If only you could see. Then maybe I wouldn't be so scared.